How often do we say those two little words? I’m fine. When actually we’re anything but.

Someone asks how we are, and before we’ve even thought about it, the answer comes out.

I’m fine, thanks. How are you? And then we carry on with our day.

We get on with the work, look after the family, keep up with the never ending “To Do List” and make sure everyone else is OK.

But when was the last time you stopped and asked yourself the same question?

Am I really fine?

Not just coping, not just getting through the day, not just doing what needs to be done. But genuinely feeling good about yourself, your life and where you’re heading.

Because I think it’s something so many of us are guilty of, particularly as women of a certain age. We’ve become really good at keeping everything going, haven’t we?

When did looking after everyone else become our default?

Over the years we take on so many different roles.

We’re mums, partners, daughters, friends, employees, business owners, carers, the list goes on. We’re the ones who remember the birthdays, organise the appointments, sort out the problems and often notice what everyone else needs before they even ask.

Yet somewhere along the way, looking after ourselves can become something we promised to do when everything else is sorted. Except of course, everything else is never really sorted.

There’s always another job to do, someone who needs us or something that could do with our attention.  And I bet if we’re honest, sometimes it’s easier to keep going than to stop and think about how we’re actually feeling.

Because what happens when we do stop?

We might realise we’re exhausted. We might recognise that we’re taking on far too much. We might notice that things which used to feel manageable now feel overwhelming. Or perhaps we’d simply realise that we’re not enjoying life as much as we used to.

Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean anything is terribly wrong, but it might be a sign that something needs to change. And this time of life can be a time when we start to notice these things more.

Our circumstances change?

Our children grow up, our responsibilities shift, our bodies and hormones are changing too. And then we start questioning what matters to us and whether that the way we’re living really works for us anymore.

Sometimes we don’t even know what we want to change, we just know that something doesn’t quite feel right. And that’s worth paying attention to.

Sometimes the stress we’re carrying is more than we realise.

Recently a client shared with me that she’d been feeling quite out of sorts over the last month. She’d been experiencing a lot of stress, and it had begun to affect her health too. Luckily, she started to recognise just how much she’d taken on. There were commitments she’d agreed to, things she’d said yes to, and responsibilities she’d been trying to fit into an already busy life.

Individually, perhaps none of them seemed particularly significant. But when you add everything together, it becomes a lot to carry.

And isn’t that often how it happens?

We say yes because we want to help. We agree because we don’t want to let anyone down. We take something on because at the time it seems manageable. And then another thing comes along, and another, and another. And before we know it, we’re juggling far more than we realistically have the time, energy, or headspace for.

Now this client decided to reduce some of the things that had been causing her the stress and I want to share something about this because I think it’s important.

Making that decision didn’t mean she suddenly felt completely comfortable with it. A little guilt crept in. She worried that she’d got people’s hopes up by agreeing to things. And that she might disappoint them by changing her mind. And I think most of us will recognise that feeling. We can know deep down that we’ve taken on too much and still feel guilty about saying no.

We worry about what other people will think. We feel responsible for their disappointment. We tell ourselves we should be able to manage everything we’ve agreed to.

But here’s what she began to recognise.

She’d taken on more than she could realistically manage and continuing to push herself wasn’t helping anyone.

She was allowed to reassess. She was allowed to change her mind. And she was allowed to acknowledge that what had seemed manageable when she first agreed was no longer working for her.

What struck me the most was that as soon as she’d made the decision to let a few things go, she felt lighter.

Nothing else had necessarily changed yet. The jobs hadn’t magically disappeared. Her diary hadn’t suddenly emptied itself. But she’d made a decision to stop carrying quite so much. And sometimes that first decision is where things begin to shift.

You don’t have to reach breaking point before you make a change. I think there’s a lesson in this for all of us. We often wait until we’re completely overwhelmed before we give ourselves permission to do things differently. We wait until we’re exhausted, frustrated or struggling to cope. We tell ourselves we’ll slow down after this busy period, once that commitment is finished or when everyone else is OK.

But what if we didn’t wait?

What if we started paying attention to the little signs that something isn’t working before they become impossible to ignore?

Perhaps you’re more irritable than usual. Perhaps you’re struggling to sleep or finding it difficult to switch off. Maybe you’re constantly rushing, feeling resentful about how much you’re doing, or wondering when you’ll finally get a bit of time to yourself. Or perhaps you’re simply going through the motions, doing everything you’re supposed to do, but not feeling particularly excited about any of it.

These feelings can have many causes, and persistent or concerning physical or emotional symptoms deserves appropriate support.

But it’s also worth looking at the pressures you’re carrying and asking yourself whether there’s anything you can change. Because sometimes we don’t need to become better at managing everything.

Sometimes we need to stop expecting ourselves to manage so much.

And that can mean making some uncomfortable decisions. It might mean saying no to something you’ve always said yes to. It might mean asking for help rather than automatically taking responsibility. It might mean admitting that you haven’t got the capacity for another commitment, even if it’s something you would genuinely like to do. Or it might mean recognising that the life you’ve built around everyone else’s needs, needs a little more room for yours.

That doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you human.

But what about the guilt? Ah, the guilt.

I wish I could tell you that once you recognise what needs to change, you’ll automatically feel confident and comfortable making those changes. But that’s not always how it works.

Sometimes we know exactly what we need to do and still struggle to do it.

We worry about disappointing people. We question whether we’re being unreasonable. We tell ourselves other people manage far more than we do, so why can’t we?

But we rarely know the full picture of someone else’s life, do we? And comparing ourselves with what we think other people can manage isn’t a particularly fair way to measure our own capacity.

One thing I often encourage clients to consider is this.

If someone you loved was feeling as overwhelmed as you are right now, would you expect them to keep pushing through or would you encourage them to take something off their plate?

I suspect most of us would be much kinder to someone else. We’d tell them they were doing too much. We’d encourage them to rest, ask for help or let something go. Yet when it comes to us, we seem to have a completely different set of rules.

Perhaps it’s time we started offering ourselves some of that same understanding. You can care about other people and still have boundaries. You can still disappoint someone without being a disappointment. And you can change your mind when you realise something is no longer right for you. You don’t have to justify every decision to everyone around you.

Sometimes it’s enough to recognise that something needs to change and give yourself permission to act on it.

So, are you really fine?

I don’t want you to read this and feel that you need to go away and change your entire life. That’s not the point. But I would love you to take a few moments to check in with yourself.

Not as another job on your To Do List. Not because you should be doing more self-care. Simply because you matter too.

Ask yourself.

• What is taking up most of my time and energy at the moment?
• Am I doing some things out of genuine choice or because I feel I ought to?
• Is there anything I’ve agreed to that I now realise is too much?
• What would feel different if I gave myself permission to say no, ask for help, or do a little less?

You don’t have to have all the answers straight away, and you certainly don’t need to make every decision today. But perhaps one small change could give you a little more breathing space.

Perhaps you could have an honest conversation with someone. Perhaps you could stop automatically saying yes and give yourself time to think first. Or perhaps you simply need to acknowledge that you’re finding things difficult, rather than brushing it off with another “I’m fine”.

Recognising how you feel isn’t a weakness, it’s a starting point.

You don’t have to figure everything out on your own. This is one of the reasons I love the coaching work I do. I work with women who are often very capable of looking after everyone else but have reached a point where they want things to feel different for themselves.

Some are struggling with confidence or motivation. Others feel overwhelmed, lost or unsure what they want from this next stage of life.

Some know something must change but just don’t know where to start. And some simply know they’re not feeling like themselves anymore, but they can’t quite put their finger on why.

We take the time to explore what’s going on, what matters to them now and what they’d like to change.

It’s not about fixing everything that’s wrong with you, because I don’t believe you’re broken.

It’s about understanding yourself a little better, recognising what’s no longer working and finding a way forward that feels right for you. And you really don’t need to wait until things become so unbearable before asking for support.

If you’ve been reading this and thinking that sounds a bit like me. I’d love to invite you to book a free 20 minute Clarity call with me.

It’s simply an opportunity for us to chat about where you are right now, what’s been on your mind, and what you’d like to feel differently about. There’s no pressure, no expectation that you need to have everything worked out before we speak.

Sometimes having a little space to talk things through with somebody that understands and isn’t going to judge you can help you see things more clearly.

So, the next time someone asks how you are, perhaps take a moment to check in with yourself first.

And remember, you don’t have to keep carrying everything just because you’ve always been the one who does.

You matter too, and it’s OK to start acting like you believe that.

And just a final word. “No”, is a complete sentence