Understanding Self-Sabotage And How to Overcome It

Self-sabotage is a term that gets thrown around a lot, but what does it really mean, especially for us women? As we navigate the complexities of life in our 40s, 50s, and beyond, it’s crucial to start to understand what self-sabotage is, what it isn’t, how we can recognise it and start to make small changes, so it doesn’t completely derail us.
 
What Exactly Is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage refers to behaviours or thought patterns that hold you back from achieving your goals and living the life you desire. It’s almost like setting up roadblocks for yourself, often unconsciously, that prevent you from moving forward.

Unfortunately, this can manifest in various ways—procrastination, negative self-talk, comfort eating, shiny object syndrome, avoidance, or pushing people away just when you need support the most.

For many of us, self-sabotage can be particularly sneaky. It might look like doubting your ability to start a new career, hesitating to prioritise your health, or feeling guilty about wanting time for yourself. These behaviours often stem from deep-seated fears or limiting beliefs that we’ve internalised over time and have now become patterns of behaviour that we might not even realise we are doing now.

What Self-Sabotage Isn’t
It’s important to differentiate between self-sabotage and legitimate concerns or setbacks. For example, taking time off to rest when you’re feeling burnt out isn’t self-sabotage; it’s self-care. Similarly, reevaluating a decision because of new information isn’t a sign of self-sabotage; it’s wisdom.

The key difference lies in the intention and the outcome—self-sabotage leads to unnecessary barriers, while healthy behaviours protect and nurture your well-being.
 
Knowing how to recognise when you’re Self-Sabotaging is key. 

I just want to remind you here that we do this with curiosity and kindness, not shame and blame.  Recognising thought patterns and behaviours means we can start making changes.  If we attack ourselves then it will likely lead us to sabotaging even more.

It can be subtle, but there are signs to watch out for:

• Patterns of Avoidance: Consistently putting off tasks or decisions that could lead to positive change.  Finding other tasks to do before starting that thing that could lead to change.  I used to be the Queen of this, the dog needs another walk, I’ll just pop the washing on, ooooo, we’ve run out of milk so I’ll dash to the shop. 

It might be you are nervous about upsetting others, fear what could happen if it doesn’t work, fearing what could happen if it DOES work – by avoiding it completely we are keeping ourselves safe, even if we aren’t truly happy there.

• Negative Self-Talk:  Yep, got the t-shirt for this one.   Thoughts like “I’m too old to start this” or “I’m not good enough.”  The list here is huge, telling ourselves we’re not clever enough, we’re stupid – blah blah blah.  I’m sure you can imagine all of the things that I kept saying to myself once we’d made the decision to move to Wales………
• Perfectionism: Setting unrealistically high standards and then using them as an excuse to not even try.  Guilty!  I was introduced to a phrase several years ago that I now live by “7/10 is good enough” – what is perfection anyway?  It’s completely different from person to person.
• Comfort-Seeking Behaviours: Turning to food, TV, glass of wine, or other distractions to avoid uncomfortable emotions or tasks.  I feel I may be revealing a little too much about myself here but another one I’ve been guilty of.
• Overcommitting: Filling your schedule with tasks to avoid focusing on what really matters to you.  This could also come under the avoidance one.  Moving on to the next challenge before you’ve finished the first one.  Never fully finishing something because once you have it means you’ve got to start putting what you’ve achieved into practice.  Please tell me I’m not alone here too.

 
As I was writing this month’s Blog I wanted to be able to give you a few practical tips on not only recognising certain behaviours and triggers but also small steps we can start to implement to start reducing how often we sabotage ourselves.

• Identify Your Triggers: Start by noticing when and why you engage in self-sabotaging behaviour. Is it fear of failure, fear of success, or something else? Journaling can help you uncover these patterns.  Taking a step back and being curious.  Ask yourself the question “What am I avoiding here?”
• Challenge Negative Thoughts: When you catch yourself thinking, “I can’t do this,” pause and question that belief. Try adding a simple word at the end.  “I can’t do this YET” How does that make you feel?  Often just by soothing that part of us it can empower us to try.  Think about replacing it with a more empowering thought, like “I’m capable of learning and growing.”
• Set Small, Achievable Goals: Break down those larger goals into smaller, manageable steps. So often when I’m coaching clients (& yes, guilty of this myself too) they come with this huge goal they want to achieve and they’re trying to start at step 20 instead of step 1.  If you were planning a trip to Scotland, you put the end destination in your Sat Nav but it doesn’t fast forward to the last 5 miles does it?  No, it breaks that journey down.  Our goals should be approached in the same way.  Don’t forget to celebrate each small win to build momentum and confidence.
• Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend or family member. Understand that everyone makes mistakes, and one misstep doesn’t define you.  What did you learn from that mistake?  How could you do it differently next time?
• Seek Support: Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Whether it’s from a coach, therapist, or supportive friends, having someone in your corner can make all the difference.  I haven’t achieved everything in my life on my own.  I regularly work with two different coaches.  Having someone to bounce ideas off, who isn’t going to try and talk me out of something because they think it’s too hard or not right for you (let’s face it, I’m sure we’ve all had that one friend or family member that’s done that in the past).  Having someone to be open and honest with and not feel judged or shamed can be life-changing.

 
Don’t believe me?  I would NOT be living here in North Wales if it hadn’t been for my two coaches.  One helped me approach the work/business side of things and the other helped with all of the other s*** that was going on in my head.

Self-sabotage would have talked me out of it every single time because there were so many what-ifs, buts etc.

Here I am, two years later absolutely loving my life.  I’m coaching women who are going through all of the same things I’ve gone through (I’m not saying you have to move to Wales).

Self-sabotage can feel like an insurmountable hurdle, but by understanding what it is and taking proactive steps, you can begin to shift those patterns.

Remember, midlife is a time of renewal and possibility. It’s never too late to step out of your own way and embrace the life you deserve and truly want.
 
Don’t listen to the naysayers.  Ask yourself “Are they saying that because they’re too afraid to make a leap?”

Ladies, we don’t have to settle.

Let’s THRIVE and not just survive.

Sandra X